A good friend sent me this article from The Wall Street Journal. Enjoy!

Mr. Rosmarin, an Assistant Professor at Harvard Medical School writes:

In my first six months as a psychology intern at McLean Hospital, I was approached by 10 patients asking essentially the same question: Can I speak to you about God? They wanted to discuss their problems not in psychological terms but in spiritual ones.

It was hardly surprising that patients wanted to talk about God. Psychological science has consistently shown that spirituality can shape someone thinks. “Religion and spirituality have the ability to promote or damage mental health.”

For many patients their spiritual lives provide hope, meaning, purpose and a connection to the divine. All of this can serve as a resource to cope with emotional distress. But spiritual life can also be a struggle. Some feel unjustly punished by God. Having spiritual concerns can cause emotional pain.  Ignoring spirituality feels like a form of malpractice.

I’m not sure that the field of psychotherapy as a whole is ready to evolve toward a more spiritual conversation. But for now I am grateful to have not only permission to talk to God, but a professional duty to do so.”

Mr. Rosmarin is the director of the Spirituality and Mental Health Program sat McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA.

Wishing you  all the best in the New Year. I am looking forward to continuing my blog in the New Year! I welcome your suggestions! Look forward to a new entry the first week of every month!

I wonder what messages you might have attached to my prose poem, Bronx Child, shared with you last month. You might have felt sorry for this little girl who ate her lunch alone everyday, or you might have experienced her as an independent, self-reliant child who could take care of herself. Maybe you had a different reaction. Children aren’t rational in their story telling. They are just trying to make sense of their experiences. Whatever meaning children attach to these stories, these meanings stay rooted in our minds and have a direct influence on our behaviors as adults.

It’s so important to review your life story to see how the words you speak to yourself are enriching your life or limiting it. Anyone can change his or her life story. The first step is realizing you have one. The next step is to challenge your beliefs about it. The final step is authoring your life.

Our stories express what we believe we are and who we believe we can be. They define us.  Stories can be positive. Narratives like “I’m great with kids,” or “Kids are my calling,” can inspire us, they encourage us to show up confidently and authentically in our relationships with others. Often though our stories have less positive effects. Stories like “People always let me down,” become self-fulfilling prophecies. They convince us we’ll never get what we want. They are absolute.

It’s important to see your story. Look at the life you’ve created and the patterns that have played out. What are the most meaningful moments? Write them down.

If you find a pattern where you are habitually putting yourself down that may signal a story of unworthiness and this limits and disempowers you. Write down those negative patterns as well.

Examine what you’ve written down and challenge your thoughts to see which of them reflects who you are now and who you’d like to be.

Begin writing your new autobiography incrementally. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Small steady actions are more effective than big dramatic affirmations. Create a reasonable story that you can grow into.

Caution: Stress will make us more vulnerable to negative thinking, likely to fall back into old patterns. The moment you hear an old story rumbling around in your head, STOP LISTENING!  Do something different, helpful and healthy. Remember my favorite saying: “In times of stress we all regress!”

By Marla Chalnick

My best friend gives me a subscription to Real Simple magazine every year. I mostly browse through and read the recipes before tossing it in the recycling! This month I noticed an article on Telling Your Life Story. This is a favorite topic of mine. I am always on the lookout for the benefits of the stories we tell ourselves and others and the importance of the words we choose.

The author of this article, Jenifer Lindley believes that we naturally think of our lives as stories. Changing the way, you tell your story can help you weather the plot twists that come your way.

Dr. Jonathan Adler believes stories are how we make sense of our lives.

As we describe our narrative, we can hold on to the important parts, filter out the trivial, and find a meaningful pattern in it all. Like an editor, our brains pull out significant conflicts, important characters and turning points to shape our sense of who we are. You are both the main character of your story and the narrator of your life. You may not have control over all your circumstances, but you can choose how to tell the story.

You may be a person who describes the most deflating interpretation of your circumstances. Researchers at Northwestern University interviewed hundreds of people to learn their life stories. They found that individuals who weave ‘contamination stories’, score lower on levels of well-being than those who tell “redemption stories” that emphasize the silver lining.

The field of ‘narrative psychology’ is growing and researchers and therapists are finding practical, do-it-now ways you can tweak your own inner stories. Such edits can help you become more resilient, have better relationships and make better decisions. I’ll share specific, useful ideas about how you can fine-tune your story in my next blog.  Please stay tuned!

Written by Mum on the Run. (Condensed and Edited)

To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety,

You might have guessed, or she may have told you, but either way there are things you should know about ANXIETY,

Anxiety isn’t one size fits all; it isn’t consistent and sometimes it’s hard to recognize. You might think she just snapped at you, but it was anxiety that did it. You might think she’s angry, but it’s anxiety that has a choke hold.  You might think she’s not enjoying herself when you go out and it’s your fault, but that’s not it at all. It’s anxiety.

There isn’t a day that goes by where she doesn’t think. She thinks about everything and usually it’s the worst case scenario. She worries that something will go wrong. She worries if she leaves the house something terrible will happen. She worries about her kids, her parents and about you. That’s why she texts you 100 times a day. She has to check on you or she feels like her head will explode.

Sometimes she wonders why you’re with her. If you knew about her anxiety would you still be there? Would you regret it? Would you rather be with someone else?

She wants you to know that she’s recognizes this is tough on you; the pressure on you is immense. Don’t think for a second she doesn’t love and appreciate you. She knows you want to fix her, but you can’t. She’s not broken.

But, you can help. You can see when things get overwhelming. Take her hand and tell her you’re with her. You can do things with her, or take over and tell her to sit down and breathe. Sometimes she won’t know what she needs, but as long as you are patient, she will feel your love.

Anxiety is heartbreaking. She wishes she could be free. Free of the voice that follows her around listing her insecurities.

She appreciates you, she loves you. She’s vulnerable and scared. Knowing you are by her side, she is fiercely loyal. Forever and ever, you just need to take her hand and tell her: “I am with you.”

Love,

A wife, a woman, a mum who has anxiety

Just to remind you-in my last blog I talked about helicopter parents. Helicopter parents earned this nickname because they seem to ‘hover’ over their children in an effort to control their lives and protect them from harm, disappointment, or mistakes. Not only are these parents concerned for their children’s safety, but they attach their own self-worth and identity to the accomplishments and successes of their children.

I was naturally curious about what these children were like when they grew into teens, a natural time to begin separating from your parents and begin taking more responsibility for yourself.  Researcher and psychologist, Neil Montgomery conducted a study on 300 college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire and similar studies were conducted at Wollongong University in Australia. According to these studies the negative effects of ‘helicoptering’ tend to make children experience low self-esteem, difficulty handling crisis and emergencies, significant levels of anxiety, a deep sense of entitlement, and a lack of life skills. In other words, these kids have trouble problem solving and thinking on their feet.

The question then is how can we help these children learn the skills they are lacking? It’s never too late or too early to start teaching these 5 skills:

            Allow Children to Make Their Own Decisions:  They will come to realize that their life is a result of the choices they make rather than the ones you make.

           Allow Children to Feel What Responsibility Is:  Even if a task is not done ’perfectly’ resist fixing it or doing it for them. This trust in your child fuels your child’s sense of ‘I can’ and build’s self esteem.

            Allow Children to Make Mistakes:  And be okay with those mistakes! Mistakes are a natural step in self discovery and independence.

            Prepare Children to Handle Risks: Preparation is much more effective than overprotection because it teaches children to function in the real world.

            Empower Your Children to Discover Who They Are: Let your children experience the power of responsibility, teach them to make choices, allow them to solve problems, leading them to experience the powerful feeling of ‘I can.” This will pave the way for your children to discover their own identity!