Category Archives: Solitude

Being a Loner and Finding Love: Is It Incompatible?


I recloner loveently read an article on the Lonerwolf website ( discussing this apparent opposition and I thought you might be interested in it as well.

Alethia Luna suggests that being a loner comes with an unspoken “job description.” 1) You like spending most of your time alone. 2) You are self-sufficient and don’t “need” other people to fill your life, and 3) Socializing is your nemesis.

If you consider yourself a loner, this job description may give you a sense of relief from social burdens, but also a sense of loneliness just below the surface.  But how can you be a loner that enjoys your solitude but still desire to find a friend or a lover? Isn’t this completely incompatible with who you are? I think not and here’s why:

  1. Wanting to find love and friendship is normal-for any personality type.
  • Aristotle once said, “Man be nature is a social animal.” This doesn’t mean that he always enjoyed socializing, but may naturally gravitate towards collaboration with others.
  1. You don’t have to be inauthentic to find someone you authentically connect with.
  • Pretending to be someone you’re not is a certain recipe for disaster. There are unlimited ways to find and connect with people who resonate with you.
  1. Don’t let your self-definition bog you down.
  • When identifying with a label can make you feel accepted and understood, it can also box you in and restrict you. You may be a loner, but you are also many other things. You are multilayered!
  1. Think about what is really holding you back from finding love.

Perhaps your identification with the loner label is holding you back, or perhaps something else. Close relationships may have wounded you in the past, creating fear, anxiety and inability to trust in the present. Making new connections is difficult for most everybody. You are not the only one struggling with this. Consider counseling if this is an issue you can’t seem to wade through by yourself.

Besides from giving you self-concept a space to breathe, REMEMBER TO GIVE YOURSELF TIME. It is difficult to go from a homebody to a socialize overnight. Take baby steps ad be patient, but don’t give up on finding LOVE.