Category Archives: Parenting

Helicopter Parenting: The Jury is Out!

Parenting, , ,

1107-mod-happy-helicopter-parents_full_600Every generation has their own parenting style and today’s most current style is called ‘helicopter parenting.’  Unfamiliar with the term, I did some research and found that the term was first used by Dr. Haim Ginott (someone I am familiar with!) in 1969. His book Parents & Teenagers found that teens experienced their parents hovering over them like a helicopter. The term became popular enough to become a dictionary entry in 2011.

In an interview with Parents Magazine, Carolyn Daitch, PhD., author of Anxiety Disorders: The Go-To Guide defines helicopter parenting as “a style of parents over focused on their children. They typically take too much responsibility for their children’s experiences and specifically their successes and failures. Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D. calls it “overparenting.” She suggests “it means being involved in a child’s life in a way that is over controlling, overprotecting, and overperfecting, in a way that is in excess of responsible parenting.”

So, why are parents hovering? Here are 4 common triggers.

Fear of dire consequences: A low grade, not making the team, not getting accepted for a job can appear disastrous to a parent, especially if it seems it could be avoided with parental involvement. Many of the consequences the parents are trying to protect their children from —unhappiness, struggle, no guaranteed results are great teachers for kids and can improve their ability to bounce back from disappointments.

Feelings of anxiety: Parents worry about their children’s future and in an effort to protect their children, parents take more control.

Overcompensation: Adults who felt unloved, neglected, or ignored as children can overcompensate with their own children.

Peer Pressure from other parents: When parents observe other parents acting as helicopter parents they might feel that if they are not as immersed in their children’s lives and therefore they are bad parents. Guilt is a large factor in this dynamic.

Many helicopter parents start off with good intentions. Dr. Gilboa suggests that “It is a tricky line to find to be engaged with our children and their lives, but not so enmeshed that we lose perspective on what they need.

In my next blog I’ll be sharing the consequences of helicopter parenting on your children and the controversy among professional described in the Atlantic Monthly and Bloomberg View. You can draw your own conclusion.

Changing the Dance: Dealing With An Uncooperative “Ex”

Parenting, , ,

by Marla Chalnick

You may not have realized it, but you and your “ex” have been dancing the same dance forever. It’s not a graceful dance. It’s clumsy, people’s toes get stepped on, but you kept on dancing hoping it would improve. It didn’t!  You want a different partner. You divorced but now you’re still dancing when it comes to raising your kids. What can you do?

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Change the Dance: If you change the dance  (that translates to changing your words and behavior) your ‘ex’ partner will be thrown off balance.. Changing the dance means breaking out of old patterns so that you can achieve different results.

 Choose your battles wisely: This sage advice not only works with your 2 year old, it works with your ‘ex’ too. Before arming yourself for battle, make sure this is a skirmish worth fighting for. Think about whether this is a battle that can be won, or if it will be a draw and end in a stalemate. Save your energy for the important stuff.

Think of your new relationship with your ‘ex’ as a business relationship, not a personal one. The business relates only to the children. Choose your words carefully and respectfully and keep your emotions out of it. If your lonely or anxious, talk to a friend or to your therapist, not to your ‘ex’.

Limit contact with your ‘ex’; it’s just as simple as that.

Give yourself an ‘out’. Not all conversations are planned. If your ‘ex’ springs something on you that you’re not prepared for and you need time to think about it you might want to respond with ‘This is not a good time for me to talk. I’ll get back to you on that” and schedule a time to talk when you are better prepared.

Never let your children hear you argue with your ‘ex’. They experience a conflict of loyalties when you are yelling and speaking disrespectfully to each other. Your kids will feel the need to take a side and this is a lose-lose for everyone. Please don’t make your children uncomfortable. They don’t come equipped for this situation so protect them as best you can!

Resources: http://www.parentinghorizons.com

http://wwww.huffingtonpost.com/betsey-ross-licsw-cpg/

Cooperative Parenting After Divorce

Parenting, , , ,

by Marla Chalnick

Parenting after separation and divorce can be challenging. Conflicts, hostilities and differing points of view regarding how your children should be raised can leave you frustrated and angry. Disagreements can crop up about scheduling, extra-curricular activities, medical care, schoolwork and almost anything else. While you two may no longer be partners in marriage, you are still partners in raising your children.

Your children deserve the love and support of both their parents and Co-Parenting Counseling can help you navigate the creation of a new two household family.  I have worked with many families that find a greater level of compromise and are able to create healthy environments for their children in both their parent’s homes.

Co-parenting is a relatively new term to describe roles that have been around as long as couples have separated and divorced. After separation you continue to co-parent your children, providing for homes and meeting their everyday needs. You will always be linked to the person who helped you create your most precious asset. Sometimes bitterness, hostilities and different points of view can make the task of co-parenting difficult and cause significant harm to your children. You are the two people your children love the most and they are hurt every time there’s a conflict between you. And even more important, they feel responsible for the negativity. As a result your children will suffer and their relationship with you will suffer.

While you may not feel hopeful about improving the communication and cooperation with the other parent, it is important that you are willing to take positive steps to improve the quality of your co-parenting. Co-parenting counseling is not marital therapy. It is not mediation. It is not arbitration. It is not legal representation. Co-parenting counseling is an opportunity for parents to look at their communication styles, their beliefs about what’s best for their children and their ability to cooperate in the work of raising their children.

The focus of co-parenting coaching is to create benefits to your children because you are able to interact in more positive constructive ways. Parents are supported, not judged, to try new ways of interacting with each other and with their children. It will keep your children from feeling torn because they are in the middle. If you find that your feelings are directing your interactions, that co-parenting has become a ‘turf’ war and that you are keeping score, then co-parenting counseling is for you.

Co-parenting counseling is  a service designed to increase your knowledge and understanding of your child custody situation and to define specific strategies and techniques for improving your resourcefulness, confidence and readiness to move forward.